Sick Part 2

I remembered a few more things from my stay.

Gotta love the fact that you were in a starvation haze to forget things...

I found out that the nurses laughed and thought it very decadent, as well as almost totally subversive, that I had a ham sandwich.
WHY, YOU SAY?
Well, the hospital is owned by Seventh Day Adventists. They don't eat pork of any sort. (Shit, I didn't know that I was in a Kosher hospital. If I would have known, I would have asked for a nice Corned Beef on Rye, a big pickle and maybe some noodle kugel. And a nice single Jewish Doctor to boot!)
well, I didn't realize that I broke a rule until long after the fact the sandwich was eaten and the ham stench was gone. I was just told and well...maybe if I'm ever back in, I'm gonna have her bring me Pork BBQ

And I also had a triple Type A nurse. She went BY THE BOOK and even monitored - as she said - my "BM's"
Baby Jesus on a trike!
I'm not even 40 and you're worried about my bowel habits. So she comes in and tells me that if I don't have one by tomorrow, she will order something from my doctor to make it happen. Well lady... If you haven't figured it out yet, I haven't eaten in 5 days. NO INPUT EQUALS NO OUTPUT.
Now, i know that I can't physically handle a "bowel stimulus" so I up and order 6 prunes.

Yes, Prunes. I called a friend that regularly monitors his bowel habits ("Can't Talk! Gotta Poop.") and asked him what would be good. Prunes was the answer.
So, the kitchen sends up prunes. Not 6 but 12. Now, I'm hungry and the first 2 tasted good, I'm watching Food Network and I thought what would this hurt?!?

Well, about 3 hours later, I knew what would be hurting.
WARNING - YOU WILL NOW KNOW FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT ME AFTER THESE NEXT FEW SENTENCES

The gas started. I wanted to run away from myself. I actually flagged myself getting out of bed and I thought I was gonna die. You would think that my room turned into the Valley of Perpetual Stench.

Well, I knew that the nurse was going to come and see me one more time and being type A, I got her schedule. I looked at the clock, layed one down, and waited. Less than a minute later, she was there to take my vitals and ask if I had a bm yet. All of this with a sour look on her face. HE HE HE. (Pull my finger, Beyoch)
With the sweetest grin on my face I said, "No, but the prunes are working"
And with that, she left the room.

I end that story there. I've divulged far too much as it is.

That's the hospital update and I'm done with that. Now, I just wait for the bill.